First, Hunter S. Thompson dies, and then the Vikings trade Randy Moss. It almost feels like this week could not get any worse. Additionally, I’ve just learned that my bank account is overdrawn. It’s all an outrage, but especially the Moss trade.
I have no idea what the Vikings were thinking when they traded away Moss, their best player, for a linebacker and a draft pick. It’s true that the Vikings badly needed some help on defense, but Randy Moss cannot be replaced. He made brilliant catches every week. When the ball hit his hands, it looked like a bird returning to its nest. His fourth quarter touchdown reception beat the much hated Green Bay Packers in the playoffs; a win that should be regarded as legendary for a team that has struggled the past four years to get anything done.
Moss has given Minnesota so much, and then he walks off the field one time and he’s finished? If that sort of logic had ruled my fourth grade soccer team, I would’ve been released many times over.
Not only is Moss a fantastic player, but he’s funny, as well. Remember the time he squirted water on a referee during a loss to the Rams? Hilarious! And after members of the square media criticized his spirited end zone celebration during the Packer win, Moss demanded that they “Talk about the ‘W’” instead. He’s like a young Eddie Murphy. I mean, he’s been fined on multiple occasions for verbally abusing referees and team executives. Wonderful! He was the heart and soul of this Viking team!
But maybe the trade was not the organization’s decision. Maybe Moss wanted out. Maybe he’s had enough of Mike Tice’s impotent leadership and Daunte Culpepper’s small hands and, of course, the terrible defense. Maybe he was sick of the cold and decided it was time to move on. If this is the case, I have one question for you, Randy: Do you think Oakland is going to be any better? It will be warmer, yes, but that’s pretty much all it has going for it. For the past two years, Oakland has been one of the worst teams in the league, ever since its center got so drunk that he forgot to show up to the Super Bowl. Does Moss realize that in Oakland, the kicker is the hardest guy on the team? Honestly. Rich Gannon might have 3 or 4 good games left in him, but next year he and Clint Eastwood are rooming together at the nursing home. Did anybody see Eastwood on the cover of Entertainment Weekly recently? When I saw that wrinkled face on the cover, I thought it was a magazine about taxidermy for humans. But, I digress.
Perhaps Randy Moss is looking to start a comedy duo with Raiders defensive end Warren Sapp, something in the tradition of Laurel and Hardy. But in any case, I really think this whole trade thing is a bad idea. What am I supposed to do with my Randy Moss action figure now, paint it black?