It's Today! It's Today! The NFL Playoffs Are Here!

For months, I've been telling my friends four things:

1. In 2007, we're going to bring Randy Moss back to the Minnesota Vikings.

2. Don't listen to the conservative A-Holes who'll try to tell you that pubic hair causes crime. Bush is back, baby. Rejoice.

3. Dave Eggers is a wack sucker built on all style and no substance (and, as Cole Larson will tell you, his style ain't even that hot) and one of these years, I'm going to write a book that will blow his Headaching Work Of Staggering Lameness right outta the water. I'm talking One-Eight-Seven with a dick in yo' mouth, beeyatch.

and 4. This year's Super Bowl will feature the San Diego Chargers and the Dallas Cowboys.

Now that the playoffs are here, I'll admit that I'm having some doubts about my fourth proclamation. Dallas struggled down the stretch, even losing to quintessential NFL JA's the Detroit Lions. And the Baltimore Ravens seem to be a hot team in the AFC, with a defense that could possibly bottle-up the Bolts' Superman, Ladanian Tomlinson. But you know what? I'm sticking with Chargers-Cowboys. In a league where anything can happen and locks don't exist, making predictions is like playing bingo, or maybe pin-the-tail-on-the-Lohan. I'll stay with my plan A prediction. That way, even if I'm wrong, those Republican sons of bitches can never call me a flip-flopper. These are my picks for Wild Card Weekend:

COLTS over Chiefs

Cowboys over SEAHAWKS

EAGLES over Giants

PATRIOTS over Jets

It's like that, and that's the way it is.